XI. Rattails

In this article I will outline the main factual points of why rattails are srsly awesome

Factual point No. 1: Rattails are awesome stuff

The rattail is a piece of artwork, a symbol of pride. Those who have stayed to their true roots are the those who will understand. Unfortunately, some people have forgotten the best hairdo of the 90’s and find ways to belittle its honor. As awesome as rattails are it doesn’t change the bittersweet fact: the demographic of rattail users belong to a trailer park. Nothing wrong with some trailer park pride. Without them we wouldn’t have this fine website: www.peopleofwalmart.com.

Creatures of Walmart

Factual point No. 2: Pronunciation

The word “rattails” is just that, a “word” and not “words” as such would be with “rat tail”. Did you know that words become more powerful and have more meaning when you combine them? Yes, it’s true! Note: Always refer to them as “rattails” otherwise you would offend the gods of this great hair style.

Factual point No. 3: Special Privileges

Special haircut, special privileges – no special hand shakes, though. For starters, rattail users need only to nod at another rattail user, this is to show respect. If you’re a normal person you must bow to them, unless they’re living in a trailer: no one bows down to anyone in a trailer; true story. Rattails users do get into a Kid Rock concert for free. That part is true.

Factual point No. 4: Rattail Hairstyle Magazine

Everyone knows that kid who wore a rattail hairstyle. The following are pictures found in a hairstyle magazine from 1994. The descriptions are made up by me, so I deserve that credit. K thanks.

"The Swashbuckler Rattail"

The Swashbuckler User: Suave, cool and with it. If this was elementary school than they would probably be the kid who stole some shit from you and reselling it for higher prices behind your back.

Random Fact: This person was probably in Boy Scouts and a douchebag

"4th Grade Bully Rattail"

4th Grade Bully User: Rugged. The kid who probably lived in a trailer park, had dirty clothes all the time and wore the same 2 sweatshirts all the time. Yea, you know who I’m talking about.  He might of been the first kid to get B.O. in your class and it reeked like hell.

Random Fact: His favorite piece of clothing is his “Detroit Lions” sweatshirt

"Suspicious Rattail"

Suspicious User: Probably on parole, probably living in Arizona.

Random Fact: Favorite cereal is the off-brand of corn flakes

"Curly Q Rattail"

Curly Q User: Douchebag

Random Fact: Favorite group is Incubus

"Wild & Crazy Rattail"

Wild & Crazy User: a person of Asian or Native American heritage would probably use this style. A symbol of freedom and rebellion… at the same time. So it pretty much cancels out, oh well.

Random Fact: What is, they’re probably good at Math or own a Casino?

"The Wiseman Rattail"

The Wiseman User: the scent of this person reminds you of moth balls but they’ve really fucking smart and you don’t understand what they’re saying to you half of the time.

Random Fact: They probably drive a Cadillac, sneak out from there wife at night and smoke cigars in it. Simple pleasure.

Factual point No. 5: See Factual Point No. 4

If I didn’t sell you with the “Rattail Hairstyle Magzine” then I don’t know what will!