10. Fast Glasses

A Suave Looking Pair of Fast Glasses

What do you need in order to achieve maximum performance in whatever you are currently doing? Easy. You need “Fast Glasses“.

Fast Glasses are a specific type of eyewear that only the most awesome people have. When Fast Glasses are worn, anything you are doing becomes instantly +100 times more awesome. People will look at you with awe and begin taking pictures, texting their friends and even approach you asking for your autograph. Fast Glasses are srs business.

Fast Glasses Features

Included in all pairs of Fast Glasses come specific features that benefits the user in many ways. Quotes for additional features not listed are accepted.

• Increased Eyesight: you gain the ability to see through fog, high winds, heavy winds, underwater, sunlight, snow storms and swimsuits.
• Image Filter: filter out all obese and non-attractive people (included in all pairs of fast glasses).
• Extra Customizable Filter Features: Specific races, Political + Celebrity figures and television stations (Ex. Fox News, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Ryan Seacrest, Rosie O’donnell), People w/ a IQ lower than 85, Bullshit and “Awful Sitcom Detection”.
• Increased Awareness and Motor Functions: Jump higher, run faster, sleep less, more energy, longer sex, urinate lightning bolts and shit gold bars and purebred puppies
• Awesome: everything you do becomes more awesome and will land you on the front page of the New York Times and Sports Illustrated.
• Time Machine: see past events and prevent future events in your own time line from happening. Beware: use with caution as it may create a temporal time space dimensional rift and change earth’s time and space gravitational pull.
• Lasers: Image filter not working correctly or just tired of that big mountain in your way? This feature is perfect for you.
  

Fast Glasses w/ added Laser Beamz!

Fast Glasses “Visor” costs extra. Oh, and I can

see through your soul.

Fast Glasses Visor

Fast Glasses Visor

It’s a privilege. Respect it.

Historical Figures who used Fast Glasses

If it weren’t for Fast Glasses we wouldn’t enjoy the freedom and luxuries we have today. We have Fast Glasses to thank for so many things in life.

Thomas Edison showing off Fast Glasses

Thomas Edison, inventor of the Light Bulb wore Fast Glasses

Hitler Failed w/ Wayfarers

Why did Hitler fail at taking over the world? He didn’t wear Fast Glasses. Sorry, Retro Wayfarers.

Buy yours today

Interested? Hell yeah you are – Buy yours today.