08. Mtn. Dew

Liquid Nectar of Life

No – not “Mountain Dew”. Since when is it cool to not abbreviate things? Never and that is why it’s called “Mtn. Dew”. Get it straight.

Mtn. Dew is enjoyed by everyone and some species actually need it to fuel their space vehicle machines. That’s why there are so many UFO sightings (duh). UFO’s travel to earth are actually here to make a pit stop to fuel up. What fuels UFO’s? Mtn. Dew, does this surprise you? Why the hell would aliens want to visit this crappy planet in the first place? The only reason is to gather fuel provisions to make it to a cooler planet where there are all kinds of hot alien chicks wearing pink leather vests.

Space Aliens will do anything for Mtn. Dew!

The Creation of Mtn. Dew and a Lost Bet

This fluorescent yellow liquid known “mtn dew” or “liquid gold” has mysterious origins. The legend says that it was created when God ate a mixture of yellow silly putty and forest moss as a bet from Zeus that God couldn’t create a new world in five days. God lost and on the sixth day he urinated the remains of this mixture; a very bright precarious liquid. This godly urine filled the tops of earth’s highest mountains – hence the name “Mtn. Dew” (duh).

Zeus always wins bets because he watches Poker Stars all day

Brain Fuel

Mtn. Dew is all you need to sustain life. B-Vitamins (that is what makes your urine so cool looking!), Sugar and Caffeine make it the perfect drink. The high amounts of sugar in Mtn. Dew is one reason why it’s “brain fuel”. You see – the sugar in Mtn. Dew is in the simplest form of carbohydrate which is translated into glucose in the body. Instant energy and fuel for the brain. The addition of caffeine makes you even smarter. I mean smarter than Einstein, Copernicus or Stephen Hawking!

Mtn Dew May Increase Your Intelligence, See Pic. Above

Mtn. Dew makes your balls RLY big

Those rumors about Mtn. Dew decreasing sperm count, testicle size, or preventing pregnancy are all false. The fact is that drinking at least 4 cans of Mtn. Dew a day will increase sperm count, make your testicles the grow to the size of bowling balls, and reverse infertility problems with women. Mtn. Dew is actually a “cure all” and all these outlandish claims are created by Big Pharma so that they can sell you Viagra and have you adopt babies from China.

This man followed a strict liquid diet of Mtn. Dew for only 1 week.

Other Uses

In the movie “Back to the Future 2″ the only thing that would allow the DeLorean to fly was the addition of Mr. Fusion and the combination of garbage and Mtn. Dew.

In Back to the Future Part 2, Mtn. Dew allowed the DeLorean to fly!

The material from Mtn. Dew can be used for other materials… like sweet ass armor.

Hiding in tall grass is the perfect cover for a surprise attack!

That’s right folks. Do the Dew!