02. Juicing

Juicing involves the process of extracting  the “juice” from fruits and vegetables. This means you must buy an expensive piece of equipment that you saw on an infomercial or at Bed, Bath & Beyond. If you choose to buy a Champion Juicer make sure you’re unemployed because the 15 detachable parts will take you most part of a morning to make your favorite fruit or vegetable juice. Buyers Tip: Never buy a juicer from the table with Mexican tassels at the flea market.

This is an unforgivable crime

After you purchase your juicer you should stop by the local Health Food Store. Here you can select from only the best organic, non-gmo, free-range produce. The goal is to select at least one type of everything available. The rule of thumb is to choose every color from the rainbow. Don’t buy any bananas – dummy. You can’t juice bananas. Carefully inspect each piece of produce with utmost care. Make sure there are no scratches, water spots, or undesirable features. Hold each apple up to the light to get a better view. You may bring a magnifying glass next time to make sure your job is thorough. It’s imperative that your  juicer only touches the cleanest produce possible. Next proceed to the cashier with your cart. As the cashier is ringing up your order you may cringe as you think of all the germs your carefully chosen produce is being exposed too. As you reach for your canvas bags you realize you left them in the car. Excuse yourself to retrieve these and hurry back in to pay your two-hundred dollar bill.

Save a tree, save the earth!

Carefully unpack your fruits and vegetables at home. Now unpack your new juicer. Make sure you’re not working because this next part will take the rest of the afternoon. Now that everything is setup you can begin making your juice. You should choose the most complicated and diverse types of produce because you are so excited you want to juice everything. Not recommended combination’s: Kale, Orange, Cabbage.

Drink your juice and feel empowered. You’re now a bona fide Juicer. You may now tell friends, family and strangers how good you feel and how they should starting juicing too. Explain the benefits and lie about how easy the clean up is. Make sure to mention this every time you see them to rub it in their face. Soon following these events you will find your juicer in closet with dust beginning to form. Your friends will have last laugh when they see your juicer on Craigslist.

I'm quite certain Carrot Top is juicing more than carrots.